Every year Mother’s Day is quite bittersweet. As I’ve discussed in the past, the loss of my mother to suicide when I was 11 years old has been one of the most influential factors in my life. It has driven me to excel in my career and become a better person but also caused me immeasurable pain, sorrow, and confusion for decades. After nearly 30 years, I finally sought help about 6 years ago and I have come to terms with much of what happened. I still miss my mother, but am thankful for all that she has indirectly given me.
In June of 2019, my good friend Christopher Thibdeau asked me to join him in an “Out of the Darkness” overnight walk fundraiser in Boston that was to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). The event is a 16 mile walk that starts at dusk and goes through the night. Funds are raised to benefit the AFSP. That night in Boston was life-changing and has helped me better cope with my loss, realize how many people had similar stories, and also helped me find a way that I would be able to help give back. The AFSP has become my calling for the kind charity work I wanted to be a part of to help others learn about suicide prevention.
On June 24, 2021 I will be again participating in the AFSO Overnight walk. Due to the pandemic, the event will be “virtual” so instead I will be creating my own course in my local area and will walk 16 miles through the night to raise money for the AFSP. I started this fundraiser in April on Facebook with an initial goal of $500. I quickly met and surpassed that goal, and have raised my goal to $1000. To date I am at $775 and am looking to meet my goal before the end of May. Can you please help me reach my goal?
I am so grateful for all of the family, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances who have made generous donations to my AFSP fundraisers. Thank you for your continued support!
This Mother’s Day I am extremely thankful for my wife, Stacy, who is an amazing stepmother to our boys and to her mother, Denice, for embracing me as her son and the boys as her step grandchildren. I am also celebrating the lives of my mom and my grandmother “Grammy” Laux who helped raise and nurture me.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of the amazing moms out there! I hope you have a fantastic day!
Learn more about AFSP
Please visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to learn more about the organization or about how you can get help or how you can help others in need. https://afsp.org.
The idea to develop a “soundtrack of your life” was given to me by my friend and colleague, Shawn Morton, who gave it as a distance learning assignment for her students recently. She asked her students to choose five important life events, write a paragraph about it, then find music that would serve as the soundtrack for that event. So, after reading Shawn’s Facebook post last night, I got up early this morning with this on my mind!
I’m also posting this as an example for my students because I’m soon going to make this an assignment for them later this month. For me, I’m calling it “The Soundtrack of My Youth.” but for my students, the project will be called “Soundtrack of my life” because their youth is all they know. So young!
The time in quarantine has really allowed me to reflect and think about many things, including the memories I have and what I am grateful for. It is such a difficult task to narrow down just five live events, memories, or people from my youth. But here is a (very small) snapshot of the “Soundtrack of my youth.”
Mom
While my mother was only with me for a short part of my life, there are many memories, some vivid and some foggy, that I can recall in our time together before she took her own life in July of 1986.
I vividly remember my mom singing many songs of The Supremes, and in particular, “Where Did Our Love Go”. This most often happened in the car and she would get very energetic and happy. I remember her fondness of The Beatles, and while I wasn’t a fan of them (or really just unaware of them) while she was alive, I think I owe my continued love of the music of The Beatles to her. One memory that I will never forget…. When I was just five years old I remember her crying in the car the day (or possibly the day after) John Lennon was shot and murdered on December 8, 1980. I remember her sadness and her trying to explain to me who John Lennon was. To this day, the music of John Lennon strikes home with me in so many ways. I hold all of the music of The Beatles, John Lennon, and Paul McCartney very close to my heart.
WINNER: The Supremes: Where Did Our Love Go (1964)
RUNNER UP: Beatles: In My Life (1965)
Growing up in the 80’s
The 80’s were weird but they were the times when I was most formidable and it was the decade that essentially shaped my youth. There’s so much good and bad that happened in my life in the 80’s, but I wouldn’t want it any other way! This music brings back so many memories and there are songs that draw up some very specific events. It’s still my favorite.
During this time I obviously experienced the popular music of the day, but also got into heavy metal/hard rock (Twisted Sister, Mötley Crüe, Quiet Riot, etc.) and rap (Run D.M.C., Beastie Boys, N.W.A). But in the late 80’s I was also receiving classical music training through my violin and school orchestra. While I was discovering and exploring some of the masterpieces of classical music, it was far less exposure than I was getting to popular music. Without school orchestra I would have never had the opportunity to learn about classical music.
So, for the 80’s, if I had to sum it up just one song, it would be with Simple Minds’ “Don’t You (Forget About Me).” This song really captures the spirit, mood, and culture of the 80’s to me. Also, The Breakfast Club is one of my favorite 80’s movies, even though it was far beyond what I should have been able to watch as a kid!
WINNER: Simple Minds: Don’t You (Forget About Me)
RUNNER UP: Beastie Boys: (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)
WINNING ALBUM: Van Halen: 1984 (1984)
Boating
Boating on Lake Erie and a camping/boat along the Allegheny Reservoir near Kinzua Dam were some of the most memorable times of my youth. The water, the breeze, and the sun all remain in my vivid memory. I think this is why boating has once again become such an important part of my life and my relaxation.
Growing up we had a 19 foot 1971 Glastron boat that had an 8-track player installed. I remember playing Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors album and Christopher Cross’s self-titled debut album over and over. The interesting thing about an 8-track is that fast-forwarding or rewinding wasn’t an option (at least for us) so we mainly listened to it all the way through. Hence, this is why I have two full albums and not an individual song. Rumors, much like the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, is a work of art that is considered a whole rather than a collection of individual songs. Rumors has to be one of the best albums of all time.
WINNER: Fleetwood Mac: Rumors album (ALL) (1977)
RUNNER UP: Christopher Cross (1979)
Grammy
My grandmother (Grammy) , Dorothea Laux, was one of the most influential people in my life. Her passing in 2003 was one of the most challenging losses I have ever encountered. She taught me a lot about life, but mostly I learned how to laugh and how to be joyful. Yes, she did spoil me, but that wasn’t the reason I loved her so much. It was her spirit, her warmth, and the way she cared so much about me. Grammy had a turntable with a whole bunch of her favorite vinyl albums including Kenny Rogers, The Oak Ridge Boys, and others. She also had the greatest hits album of Jim Croce’s and one of our favorite songs to listen together was Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown. This song is fun, upbeat, and always made us laugh and smile. My runner up piece is Cat Steven’s Morning Has Broken. This song was selected by my dad to be played at Grammy’s funeral and that memory has stuck with me since then.
WINNER: Jim Croce: Bad Bad Leroy Brown (1973)
RUNNER-UP: Cat Stevens: Morning Has Broken (1972)
High School
High School had its ups and downs. Mainly, I felt like I was trying to figure everything out in life. But music, both listening and making music by playing my violin, helped me get through. I owe a lot to music and orchestra for providing me with a focus and a purpose. I have no idea what I would be doing today without the musical opportunities I was provided.
It was during my high school years that I discovered the complete works of The Beatles along with John Lennon’s solo works, thanks to my long-time friend, Jessica (French) Hill. I remember hanging out with her, just listening to music, and being blown away. I remember the first time I heard Abbey Road, Sgt. Pepper’s, and The White Album. I had no idea about these amazing works and am thankful for this time we were able to share together! I also loved the time hanging with one of my very best friends, Andy Huntoon, and remember listening to Tom Petty’s album Full Moon Fever, U2’s Joshua Tree (and many others) in between our violin practice sessions. I’ll never forget the time spent at his house — his family always made me feel so special and welcome. (Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Huntoon!)
But, when I hear Bryan Adams’ Everything I Do, it just strikes high school memories. It was just a popular song during my senior year. Bryan Adams music in general brings back lots of great memories and it was great to be able to share that with my family when we saw him live last summer. He still sounds amazing and puts on an awesome show. Bryan Adams is now one of my youngest son’s favorites!
WINNER: Bryan Adams: Everything I Do (I Do It for You) (1991)
RUNNER UP: Tom Petty: Free Fallin’ (1989)
So that’s a very small snapshot of the “soundtrack of my youth.” The topics are the things that first came to my mind.
What’s the soundtrack of your life? I’d love to hear it!
I’ve been a recreational runner for some time now and started running around 2006 as a way to get in shape, burn built-up energy, and relieve stress. Over the years I have increased my running ability, however, I have been on and off depending on work schedules, weather, family engagements, motivation, etc. When I was in high school, I could barely run a mile. Every time I would be forced to run “the mile” in gym class, I would end up walking a large portion of it. I always wondered how my friends could do it so easily and was envious that they would always finish before me. It turns out that running a mile straight was simply a feat I didn’t think I could accomplish. I simply never believed in myself that it was something I could do well. Since then, I’ve realized a lot about life and what it takes to accomplish goals. I know now that a lot of what it takes to achieve goals is having a proper mindset. Since I started running, I’ve been a lot more confident and, overall, healthier. I’ve kept up my motivation by registering for races that force me to stick with it, even when times are busy.
I ran my first half marathon in 2015 and since then have run a lot more races, including the infamous “triple peach” series each year since then. The triple peach is the Peachtree Road Race, the world’s largest 10k held each fourth of July, the Atlanta 10 miler held each October, and the Thanksgiving Day Half Marathon. I just registered for my 6th Triple peach yesterday! There have been a few times where I haven’t been able to train properly, however, I have never skipped a race. Regardless of the circumstance (or excuse!), I would go out and run no matter what. My mental determination allows me to participate in a race, even a half marathon, without defined training. While this is not my preferred way to run, it says a lot about mindset. In high school, that single mile that used to give me anxiety and a feeling of hopelessness. Now, I can get up and run (maybe walk just a little) 13.1 miles without fear or hesitation. I know I can do it, and there isn’t much that can stop me. For me, it’s mind over matter. What is your “mile”? What are the roadblocks that are holding you back?
When I was going through some of the roughest times in my life a few years ago, I was in the best physical shape of my life. I was eating a lot less (stress-related), and working out and running a ton. But besides this, I had a drive toward fitness and running, because I didn’t really have anything else to focus on besides work and taking care of my boys. On the days that I didn’t have my boys, I would do yard work, work out, and work out more. I used exercising and playing my bass guitar as my therapy to get through tough times.
The other day I went for an early morning run running in my neighborhood. I was out before sunrise and was able to watch the sun creep up as I was completing my run. I love being able to do this! One of the first things that I realized about running in Georgia is that it is way more difficult compared to Ohio because of the hilly terrain. It can be quite a challenge. How I long for the day where I can run a half marathon on a FLAT course! I don’t like running up hills and never felt like I was good at it. Most recently, I haven’t been running as much as I would like so I’ve definitely been walking up most hills I’ve come across.
As we have been going through these uncertain times due to the COVID-19 pandemic, I thought to myself how the hills are symbolic of our lives and the ups and downs we have as we journey through it. During my run, I thought about all of the great moments I have had in my life professionally and personally. I thought about what I’ve been most proud of and what’s brought me joy. I also thought about some of the hardest moments and how difficult those times were for me. I looked back to times of fear, anger, disparity, and sorrow. Most importantly, I thought about how great I feel now because I was able to stay focused, stay positive, and worked to get through the hard times to triumph in the end.
That day, I decided to run up every hill I came across. It was hard, but I pushed myself to do it. On several of the larger hills, I pushed even harder. I didn’t think I would be able to do it, but I did. When I got to the top of the hill I felt amazing. Tired, yes, but I felt like a winner and that I could accomplish anything. Side note: I always think about how Rocky felt when he finally was able to run up the stairs of the library in Philadelphia. While it may seem cheesy, if you know anything about me, I love the story of Rocky. It has been an inspirational story for me and one that I consider an important parallel in my life. If you are feeling like you can’t do something, just watch Rocky.
I know my journey is not over. There will be times when things aren’t 100 percent good, but I am prepared to deal with them when they should arise. I know I will have my ups and downs, my good days and bad days, or, even sometimes, my good weeks and bad weeks. I am strong and will not let negativity take me down. I’m ready to continue the challenge!
Be Thankful
The most important thing we can do is to remain positive and thankful for what we DO have. Gratitude goes a long way. While I could easily get down and stay negative about not being able to work, canceled professional opportunities, or the cancelation of personal activities and travel, I instead have been focusing on the positive and trying to see the good in everything.
I am in a wonderful teaching position where I have fantastic students, great facilities and funding, supportive parents and administration, and colleagues who are fun and collaborative. While I am not able to attend my workplace, I am thankful that I belong to a school district that values distance learning and that we have been afforded the technology that makes learning online possible. I am working hard each day to be creative and collaborative to try to provide my students with opportunities that will motivate them and be enjoyable for them. It’s not the same as playing in orchestra class, but I am doing the best I can in this situation.
I have a family that means everything to me. My two boys are healthy, happy, and a ton of fun. I have loved watching them grow physically and mentally and look forward to every opportunity I have to be with them. I’m so proud of who my boys are and the young men they will grow up to be. I also have a fiancé whom I love dearly. I learn something from her nearly every day and we are each other’s yin and yang, balancing each other’s emotions and temperament. Our wedding, scheduled for mid-April, had to be postponed due to COVID-19. It was tough to do this, and we lost a lot of sleep over the decision. But, we knew this was not the time that we wanted to celebrate coming together, and we certainly did not want to put any of our family at risk to be sick. We have learned that we need to be patient and let things happen as they will. God has a plan! We are excited about the future and have already made a plan to tie the knot in October. It will be worth the wait and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with her!
The COVID-19 outbreak has turned all of our lives upside down. Much of what we knew as normal and took for granted is now forbidden. Some of the things that mean the most to us (spending time with others, congregating, etc.) are not allowed. While I am thankful for my immediate and extended family and friends are all healthy, it is tough not to be able to see them and have face-to-face conversations. Online chat just isn’t the same, but it’s helping. More on this later.
Be Resilient
We will get through the pandemic of COVID-19 and will come out even stronger than we were in the past. The financial state of our country will recover. Most importantly, once this is over I am hoping people will come away even more appreciative of what they have, especially in regards to people and relationships.
Social distancing is difficult! I have actually found that staying busy has been good therapy. I’m treating this time as an opportunity rather than a punishment. I have enjoyed learning new technology and creating new resources for my students and other string/orchestra teachers to use. I’ve had a lot more time for old-fashioned, low-tech family time that has been awesome – monopoly, chess, nerf guns. I’ve even picked up a book to read. This is NOT me! (Note: I’m reading The Cycle of Self Empowerment by Dom Famularo. It’s really a great book and is giving me even more positive ideas.) I’ve spent a lot more time outside walking and in the yard. I’ve come up with new ideas for future projects. What opportunities are you taking? How are you spending your time?
Family time!
I do understand that there are many people and families that are struggling to make ends meet right now. There are many out of work and paychecks have stopped. Kids are home from school, trying to adapt to learning remotely. In my virtual meetings with my students, I’ve received some tough questions that I really can’t answer. I really feel for my students because they are missing so much. Many of my students rely on attending school to provide personal fulfillment and now they are without it. I am particularly worried about my seniors. Events like their senior prom, their last spring concert, and their high school graduation are now in question. My heart breaks for them because I know they’ve been waiting for and looking forward to these moments for a long time. We are still uncertain about what the future will hold.
Many parents are trying to work from home while their children are attending school sessions. It is a stressful time and we are all trying to figure out what the new “normal” is all about and how we will make it work. We are uncertain about how long this will last and what life will look like when it is gone. Will we be able to go back to how life used to be? Or will COVID-19 change life as we know it?
As I have mentioned before on this blog, staying positive and staying strong are the keys to getting through tough times. It is important to always seek out the positive and refrain from dwelling on the negative. We need to focus on what is good now without trying to compare it to what used to be. Also, we should not live in fear of the future. These things are not always easy to do, but if you really look deeply at your life, you can find and thrive on positivity. Staying positive will help everyone realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Seeking and Offering Assistance
The news is filled with negativity. While some of the information may be beneficial in keeping you and your family safe and healthy, if you spend your day watching the news or on social media, you might never realize the positive things that are right there in front of you.
It is important to continue to have positive relationships with friends, family, and colleagues. Don’t be afraid to reach out (virtually!) to those who may be able to help you or to those whom you may be able to help. Over the last few weeks, I’ve met with students in large and small groups on Zoom and Google Meet. I’ve enjoyed answering their questions and, when necessary, playing/demonstrating for them. It’s nice to see their faces.
I’ve hung out with friends and colleagues online for virtual meetings and happy hours. While not the same as face-to-face interaction, these virtual meetings have helped fulfill my need to be with others and brought me joy. As we continue our social distancing, I’m going to be reaching out to even more people to make sure they are okay and, in some cases, reconnect if it has been a while. Friends, feel free to reach out to me if you want to chat.
All of us need to stick together to get through this. I have hope and so should you. It is my hope that you will all stay safe, happy, and healthy. I wish you and your family the very best. We’ve got this!
I found this little sticky note on social media. It’s a good daily reference.
On June 22 I will be participating in the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk – an extraordinary event where participants from all over the country join together to walk 16-18 miles over the course of one night. I’m fundraising to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Net proceeds will help those affected by suicide and mental health conditions by supporting research, advocacy, survivor resources, education, and awareness programs. AFSP has set a bold goal to reduce the suicide rate 20% by the year 2025, and I’m proud to be part of that mission.
I will be traveling to Boston, MA to walk with my very good friend, Chris Thibdeau, who has also been affected by suicide. Our goal is to raise a combined minimum of $2000 to help with awareness, training, and education.
As many of you know, my mother, Trudy Laux, committed suicide in 1986 when I was just 11 years old. This single tragic life event has made an enormous impact on my life. For nearly 30 years I struggled with so many insecurities, not really knowing how to cope with her death.
I suffered in disguise and only the very closest people to me knew my true pain. Many people didn’t know anything about what had happened as it wasn’t something that was really discussed in the ’80s. There were so many emotions along the way — guilt, sorrow, anger, remorse, and even thoughts of taking my own life. Upon entering college, I masked my pain and suffering by focusing on my career. I maintained a focused drive to become the very best teacher and person I could. Of course, I made both minor and major personal and professional mistakes along the way. I was missing something and didn’t know what it was.
I thought I had control of everything then in 2015 I found myself in the middle of so many things — perhaps life had become a bit more than I could handle. I was in a demanding job as a college professor while serving as a frequent presenter/guest conductor. I was also writing my Ph.D. dissertation on a strict timeline and remained active an involved dad (coaching baseball, etc). There were also major problems within my marriage that became out of my hands. I had done all I could.
In March of 2016, I nearly met my breaking point and had a panic attack that brought paramedics to my home. I somehow made it through! This is an example of how good counseling makes an impact — along with keeping an open, positive, and strong mind. For the rest of 2016, there were many changes, some voluntary and some choices were made for me. First, I made the choice to change jobs back to teaching public school (my true love). This made me happy at work every day. I continued building a tight relationship with my two boys and focused even more on their care. I also decided to nearly eliminate booking the extra gigs that involved travel. Later that year, the negativity that was present within the household had dismissed itself.
In 2017, my life and where it was going finally started to come into focus. There were some rough patches, especially going through a divorce, but this is where my best friends stepped in to help. I couldn’t have done it without them!
I am now at peace with my mother’s passing and am on a mission to support those who have been victims of suicide and help others develop suicide awareness. I want to be a positive role model for my boys, my students, and society.
Suicide has not only taken my mother, but I also lost a close friend, Robert James; a colleague and parent of my former students, Carol Jackson; and most recently in 2017, one of my Alpharetta High School Orchestra students.
Our society can do better to help stop suicide. Every life lost to suicide is tragic and impacts the lives of so many people. Please help me raise this money as I will walk from dusk until dawn to pay tribute to my mother, Trudy, my friend Robert, my colleague Carol, and my beloved orchestra student.
Thank you for your support in a cause I believe in. Together we can save lives and bring hope to those affected by suicide.
Every so often I get Facebook or Google photo notifications that ask me to look back at a past event or particular day from the past. Most of the time I ignore these type of notifications, but occasionally I do click on them to look back and reminisce. Recently Google asked me to look back at photos from three years ago (2015) and so I did. After looking at some of the photos and thinking about some of the situations surrounding my life at the time, I know how much happier I am in my current life. Over the last year I have reached a place in my life that brings me peace, love, and joy. I have associated with the most amazing people and have had some incredible experiences that will be forever memorable.
While some of the events in my life over the last few years were extremely difficult and not my choice, I now know it was all part of God’s plan to make me stronger. I am now much stronger and am more grateful than ever for my family, friends, and career. I have thrown away the trash of the past and am only looking forward. It’s an exciting time to be me and I can’t wait for every tomorrow.
